When Dummies Pray For A Savior (SCRIPT)

EPISODE 54  SCRIPT with Cut Material Included

DUMMY:

Welcome to our Tea Party.

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

Our Texas Tea Party.

TEA PARTY DUMMY:

I love Texas Tea!

DUMMY:

We dummies have a treat for you.  We scored an interview with the newest dummy vowing to take our country back.

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

To when if you prayed for rain it actually worked.

DUMMY:

Hello dummy.

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

Howdy.  How’s Moma and them?

DUMMY:

Good.  I like your hat.

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

Well, I like your little red bowtie.

DUMMY:

I like your boots.

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

I like your funny little voice.

DUMMY:

Come to think of it, dummy, I like everything about you.

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

Well, I’ll come on your program any time I can.

DUMMY:

Thanks dummy.  I’ll come to Texas anytime I can.  You already made me an honorary citizen. (both laugh)  So, dummy, the elites aren’t thrilled that you’re running for the presidency.  What do you say to those Texas elites that say “you’re like George Bush but without the brains”?

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

I’m who I am.  Our country’s in jeopardy.

TEA PARTY DUMMIES:

Aaaaaaah!

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

People come up to me and they’re scared.  They know that our country is standing at the pricipire-

DUMMY:

The what?

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

The precipire.

DUMMY:

What’s a precipire?

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

You know, dummy, it’s that French word fer cliff.

DUMMY:

You mean “precipice”?

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

may be how you frogs up in New England say it, but in Texas it’s precipire.

DUMMY:

Okay.

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

Now listen up dummy or I’ll give you a swift kick in yer derieice.  We’re on the precipire of possibly defaulting…

TEA PARTY DUMMIES:

Aaaaaaah!

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

… they’re ready for some leadership … we need someone with the vision that will get America back working and … you cannot argue that we haven’t created in the last decade the job creation mecca …. We’ve been the job creation machine.

DUMMY:

That’s right.  In the last decade, under your leadership, employment growth in the Rio Grande Valley was 42%.

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

We’re walkin’ in tall cotton.

DUMMY:

And what do you say to those liberals who point out that per capita income in the Valley is the lowest in the nation, with hourly wages at $8.14 in the median?

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

I say even in if you’re standing in the median, you can still get hit by a pick-up truck if you don’t cross the damn street.  Like the chicken.

DUMMY:

What does that mean?

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

It means, dummy, that “Just because we pass a free trade agreement with a country doesn’t mean that we need to put ourselves at a competitive disadvantage to make their diplomatic people smile at us.”

DUMMY:

What does that mean?

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

It means, dummy, that “There’s gonna be a hundred different questions asked me a thousand different ways, but at the end of the day, how do you get Americans back working, and I will you, it’s by lowering the taxation…

TEA PARTY DUMMIES:

Yippee!

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

… lowering the regulation…

TEA PARTY DUMMIES:

Yippee!

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

… lowering the litigation cost that we got on small business men and women in this country.

TEA PARTY DUMMIES:

Yippee!

DUMMY:

And how will that improve demand?

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

What?

DUMMY:

Those economists who say that growth is tepid because of a lack of demand.

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard of.  What’d you get a F in Principles of Economics?  ‘Cause I got a D.

DUMMY:

D as dummy?

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

D as in double dog dummy, Dummy.

DUMMY:

So you don’t think we’re faced with a demand problem?

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

It’s a theory that’s out there, it’s got some gaps in it.  Like evolution.  And climate change.

DUMMY:

And gravity.

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

And gravity.  We believe in Texas that you teach your children theories, like evolution, and facts, like God created man in his own image, and let them decide.

DUMMY:

What do you say to the secretary of education who says “Texas may have the lowest high school graduation rate in the country?”

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

“He’s just flat out wrong on the face of it and factually.”  Texas ranks 43^rd out of 50.  That means, dummy, that seven states are worse.  Eight if you count Washington DC, seedy place that it is.  We gotta bunch of bright kids in Texas.  We’re doing what we can to make them competitive so they can take back dominion of the world from Satan.

TEA PARTY DUMMIES:

Yippee!

DUMMY:

Okay.  We’re out of time.  But before you go … Will you be our next President?

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

Well, I’ll tell you what.  Obama is all hat and no cattle.  An empty bucket makes the most racket.  And this aint my first trip to the rodeo.

DUMMY:

Okay.

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

Now if you’ll excuse me, dummy.  I gotta go pray again for rain.

DUMMY:

How’s that working?

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

Oh, it’ll work, dummy.  Just you wait.  When all is said and done we’re gonna have us a real turd floater.

TEX:

VALIDATE THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

Validate it? Hell.  He aint even released it yet.  I haven’t seen it, have you?

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

Just give us a little bit of rain.  Please?  I’ll be your best friend.

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

Y’all come back now, y’hear?

MATERIAL THAT DIDN’T MAKE THE CUT:

1.

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

… “For instance, we had a next generation fighter aircraft that was on the books to be developed … “

DUMMY:

Lockheed Martin’s F-22 Raptor

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

“… and uh the then secretary of defense …”

DUMMY:

Robert Gates

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

“… through I suppose direction of this president Obama said uh we’re gonna cut back and that’s going to be one of the cutbacks and the reason that they gave for making that reduction in the next generation fighter …”

DUMMY:

The F-22

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

“… was the Chinese are not going to have a next generation fighter ready until 2025.”

DUMMY:

Didn’t they actually decide that the F-22 was obsolete and it would be more efficient to focus on the similar and more affordable F-35?  Isn’t that actually an example of government working to cut spending and be more efficient?

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

Huh? Uh, uh, no, uh, yer getting in the way of my talk here, dummy, uh.  Gosh dang Laura Ingram didn’t ask fer specifics when I said this on her show.  To go one with my train of thought, “That’s the type of bad intelligence or just bad bad diplomacy that we cannot afford in this country, we gotta have secretary cabinet level people that are principled, that are disciplined, and that frankly know these hot spots around the world very well and are willing to stand up, China needs to hear from us, “listen, we will do trade with you, we will be a partner in trade with you, but you cannot steal our intellectual property.”

2.

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

“We are seeing almost weekly, or even daily, scientists are coming forward and questioning the original idea that man-made global warming is what is causing the climate to change.”

DUMMY:

Who knew the American Association of Petroleum Geologists had so many scientists.

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

Well, I ‘ll tell you what.  Those scientists better stay out of Texas.  I don’t know what y’all would do to them, but we’d treat ‘em pretty ugly down in Texas.  Maybe not as ugly as an economist, but pretty damn ugly.

DUMMY:

No, no.  The American Association of Petroleum Geologists contains the 2% of the world’s climate scientists who aren’t convinced that man’s use of petroleum influences the climate.

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

Oh. Well, they’re alright then.

3.

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

“I think Obamacare, which was modeled after the Massachusetts plan is an absolute debacle.  I’m a big believer that the answer to our health care issues we have in this country can be found in the States…”

 

DUMMY:

But not in Texas, right?  Since you rank dead last of all the States for citizens with health insurance.

RICK PERRY DUMMY:

“I promise you this, Laura, there are some incredibly bright Republican governors, these are really bright capable governors and they will come up with ways to deliver ways to innovative health care to their states and when they do it won’t bother me a bit to go over there and snitch it from ‘em.”

DUMMY:

Isn’t that precisely what the Patient Protection And Affordable Care Act – I mean, Obamacare –

TEA PARTY DUMMIES:

Aaaaaaah!

DUMMY:

… Isn’t that precisely what it encourages?

 

To see the video go here.

Related posts:

Tags: Election 2012, mock the dummy, rick perry, Rick Perry Dummy, scripts