When Dummies Forget Why They Have Handlers

WHEN DUMMIES FORGET WHY THEY HAVE HANDLERS

Dummy:  Welcome to our Tea Party.  Dummies wake up!  Gail Collins, a liberal columnist in the New York Times, wrote a vicious article calling Donald Trump a birther.  (AAA!)  Now the dummy will respond.

Donald Trump Dummy:  Even before Gail Collins was with the New York Times, she has written nasty and derogatory articles about me.

Dummy:  She had written.

Donald Trump Dummy:  Huh?

Dummy:  Before she was she had.  It should be past tense so the tenses match.

Donald Trump Dummy:  Says who?

Dummy:  The rules of grammar.

Donald Trump Dummy:  Yeah, well fuck him and his family.

Dummy:  Okay.

Donald Trump Dummy:  Even before she was there, she has written nasty and derogatory things about me.  Actually, I have great respect for Ms. Collins in that she has survived so long with so little talent.

Dummy:  Hahaha.

Wig Dummy:  That was nasty.

Jester Dummy:  And derogatory.

Donald Trump Dummy:  Her storytelling ability and word usage is not at a very high level.

Dummy:  Are not.

Donald Trump Dummy:  What?

Dummy:  They are not.  Not They is not.

Donald Trump Dummy:  Hey, I don’t need help from a dummy.  I’m a really smart guy.  This is coming from me, who has written many best sellers.

Dummy:  Who has written?

Donald Trump Dummy:  Me has.

Dummy:  Okay.

Donald Trump Dummy:  In fact, I will put that in.  Her storytelling ability and word usage (coming from me, who has written many bestsellers), is not –

Dummy:  Wait.  Her word usage is coming from you.

Donald Trump Dummy:  No.

Dummy:  But isn’t that what you just said with your modifier?

(beat)

Donald Trump Dummy:  You’re the muddafurer, muddafurer!

Her storytelling ability and word usage (coming from me, who has written many bestsellers), is not at a very high level.   More importantly, her facts are wrong!

Dummy:  Good.  Strong finish.

Donald Trump Dummy:  As far as her comments on the so-called “birther” issue, I don’t need Ms. Collins’s advice.  There is a very large segment of our society who believe that Barack Obama, indeed, was not born in the United States.

Dummy:  Believes.

Donald Trump Dummy:  Huh?

Dummy:  The segment believes.  Segment is singular.

Donald Trump Dummy:  I said segment of our society.

Dummy:  That’s still singular.

Donald Trump Dummy:  You’re singular, you single singular dummy.

Dummy:  If you believes it.

Donald Trump Dummy:  Indeed.

His grandmother from Kenya stated, on tape, that he was born in Kenya and she was there to watch the birth.

Dummy:  Indeed.

Donald Trump Dummy:  His family in Honolulu is fighting over which hospital in Hawaii he was born in – they just don’t know.

Dummy:  She just doesn’t know.

Donald Trump Dummy:  Huh?

Dummy:  Just one family member in Honolulu.  His younger half-sister.

Donald Trump Dummy:  If she’s the only one there how is she fighting with the other family members?

Dummy:  Good point.

Donald Trump Dummy:  Get your facts straight, dummy.

He has not been able to produce a “birth certificate” but merely a totally unsigned “certificate of live birth” – which is totally different and of very little significance.

Dummy:  Totally twice?

Donald Trump Dummy:  Totally.

Dummy:  Okay.

Donald Trump Dummy:  Unlike a birth certificate, a certificate of live birth is very easy to obtain.  Equally of importance,

Dummy:  Of equal importance.

Donald Trump Dummy:  There are no records in Hawaii that a Barack Hussein Obama was born there –

Dummy:  Other than the certificate of live birth.

Donald Trump Dummy:  yeah, but no bills, no doctors names, no nurses names, no registrations, no payments, etc.

Dummy:  Except the newspaper notices.

Donald Trump Dummy:  As far as the two notices placed in newspapers, many things could have happened, but some feel the grandparents put an ad-

Dummy:  Ads.

Donald Trump Dummy:  Huh?

Dummy:  Two notices – Multiple.  Ads.

Donald Trump Dummy:  Put an ad in order to show –

Dummy:  Put an ad where?

Donald Trump Dummy:  Put an ad in order  – Stop correcting me.  I don’t need your help. I’m a really smart guy. I was a really good student at the best school in the country, Muddafier.

Dummy:  Okay.

Donald Trump Dummy:  Some feel the grandparents put an ad in order to show that he was a citizen of the U.S. with all of the benefits thereto.

Dummy:  Thereto?

Donald Trump Dummy:  Thereto.  Everybody, after all, and especially then, wanted to be a United States citizen.

Dummy:  For the benefits thereto.

Donald Trump Dummy:  Indeed.

The term used by Ms. Collins – “birther” – is very derogatory and is meant in a derogatory way.

Dummy:  And what should we call people who refuse to accept a certificate of live birth issued by the State of Hawaii as proof that a person was born in Hawaii.

Donald Trump Dummy:  Dummies.

Dummy:  Okay.

Donald Trump Dummy:  Had this been George Bush or almost any other President or Presidential aspirant, they would never have been allowed to attain office –

Dummy:  He.

Donald Trump Dummy:  Huh?

Dummy:  Had this been George Bush, he would never have been allowed.

Sarah Palin Dummy:  Or she.

Dummy:  He or she.  Not they.

Donald Trump Dummy:  Says who?

Dummy:  The rules of grammar.

Donald Trump Dummy:  Can you produce these rules of grammar?

Dummy:  Just go to Google and type “grammar rules.”

Donald Trump Dummy:  Aha.  I asked for the “rules of grammar” but all you can produce is “grammar rules”.  Unlike the “rules of grammar”, “grammar rules” is totally different and of very little significance.

Dummy:  Isn’t that just semantics?

Donald Trump Dummy:  You’re the man chick you freaking man chick.

Had this been George Bush or almost any other President or Presidential aspirant, they would never have been allowed to attain office, or would have been thrown out of office very quickly.

Dummy:  How about “or would have been immediately removed”?

Donald Trump Dummy:  No, thrown out of office very quickly.

Dummy:  Okay.

Donald Trump Dummy:  For some reason, the press protects President Obama beyond anything or anyone I have ever seen.  What they don’t realize is that if he was not born in the United States, they would have uncovered the greatest “scam” in the history of our country.  In other words, they would become the hottest writer since Watergate, or beyond.

Dummy:  All right stop.  I know you don’t want my help, and I know that you’re a really smart guy, who went to the best school in the country.  And I know that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for the son of a rich man to get accepted into Wharton.

But that last sentence has to go. “they” can’t become “a writer”, They can’t become the hottest writer since Watergate because Watergate wasn’t a writer, “hottest” is a way to describe a Miss America contestant not a journalist, and when you end a sentence with “Watergate, or beyond” you sound like Buzz Lightyear from Toy Story.

Donald Trump Dummy:  You’re the toy story you freaking toy. Story.

Open your eyes, Gail, there’s at least a good chance that Barack Hussein Obama has made mincemeat out of our great and cherished Constitution!

Dummy:  It needs a stronger ending.  How about instead of “there’s at least a good chance” you say “there’s an 80% chance.  I bet my fortune on it.”

Donald Trump Dummy:  You’re fired.

Tex:  RELEASE THE GMAT SCORE ON THE WHARTON APPLICATION

Donald Trump Dummy:  You can tell Obama did the second book himself because it read like it was written by somebody of average intelligence with a high school education.

Dummy:  Not gonna go there.

WHEN DUMMIES FORGET WHY THEY HAVE HANDLERS
NOTES

Most of the lines uttered by the wild-wigged dummy are taken word for word from an error-ridden letter to the editor submitted by birther, Donald Trump.  The notes below will focus specifically on the punctuation and grammatical errors, with italics to emphasize the improper phrasing.  The notes will also provide links to other included utterances made by America’s most famous birther.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/08/opinion/lweb08trump.html?_r=1

  1. Gail Collins, a liberal columnist in the New York Times, wrote a vicious article calling Donald Trump a birther.

Collins, Gail, Donald Trump Gets Weirder, New York Times, April 1, 2011

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/02/opinion/02collins.html?_r=2

  1. Now the dummy will respond.

Trump, Donald J., Donald Trump Responds, New York Times, April 8, 2011

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/08/opinion/lweb08trump.html?_r=1

  1. Even before Gail Collins was with the New York Times, she has written nasty and derogatory articles about me. / Before she was she had.  It should be past tense so the tenses match.
  1. Her storytelling ability and word usage (coming from me, who has written many bestsellers), is not at a very high level. / “They are not.” Not “they is not.” / … Who has written? / Me has.  / … Her word usage is coming from you. / No. / But isn’t that what you just said with your modifier?

http://www.grammarbook.com/grammar/subjectVerbAgree.asp

  1. There is a very large segment of our society who believe that Barack Obama, indeed, was not born in the United States. / Believes. / Huh? / The segment believes. Segment is singular. / I said segment of our society. / That’s still singular.
  1. His grandmother from Kenya stated, on tape, that he was born in Kenya and she was there to watch the birth.

False.  Yawn.

http://www.city-data.com/forum/politics-other-controversies/1230048-donald-trump-latest-birther-140.html

  1. His family in Honolulu is fighting over which hospital in Hawaii he was born in – they just don’t know.

False.  Yawn.

http://www.city-data.com/forum/politics-other-controversies/1230048-donald-trump-latest-birther-140.html

  1. He has not been able to produce a “birth certificate” but merely a totally unsigned “certificate of live birth” – which is totally different and of very little significance.

False.  Yawn.

http://www.factcheck.org/elections-2008/born_in_the_usa.html

http://travel.state.gov/passport/get/first/first_830.html

  1. … there are no records in Hawaii that a Barack Hussein Obama was born there-no bills, no doctors names, no nurses names, no registrations, no payments, etc.

False.  Yawn.  Ad nauseam.

http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2011/03/donald_trump_is_kind_of_a_birt.html

But wait.  Why don’t we know the nurses names?!!!  It’s a conspiracy!!!

  1. As far as the two notices placed in newspapers, many things could have happened, but some feel the grandparents put an ad in order to show that he was a citizen of the U.S. with all of the benefits thereto. / Two notices – Multiple. Ads. / … Put an ad where?
  1. I’m a really smart guy. I was a really good student at the best school in the country.

http://www.dallasblog.com/201104041007933/dallas-blog/-i-m-a-really-smart-guy-says-trump.html

  1. Had this been George Bush or almost any other President or Presidential aspirant, they would never have been allowed to attain office, or would have been thrown out of office very quickly. / He or she. Not they.
  1. In other words, they would become the hottest writer since Watergate, or beyond. / “they” can’t become “a writer”; They can’t become the hottest writer since Watergate because Watergate wasn’t a writer; “hottest” is a way to describe a Miss America contestant not a journalist; and when you end a sentence with “Watergate, or beyond” you sound like Buzz Lightyear from Toy Story.
  1. We believe the letter includes the following punctuation errors:

bestsellers), is

Ms. Collins’s advice

For some reason, the press protects

  1. You can tell Obama did the second book himself because it read like it was written by somebody of average intelligence with a high school education.

Collins, Gail, Donald Trump Fights Back, New York Times, April 8, 2011

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/09/opinion/09collins.html

  1. RELEASE THE GMAT SCORE ON THE WHARTON APPLICATION

We at Mock The Dummy take the position that a person who makes these basic errors in grammar and punctuation could not pass Wharton’s rigorous achievement standards.  We demand that Donald Trump (or Wharton Business School) release the application, including the GMAT scores.  The topline number will not be sufficient. We demand release of the long-form GMAT score, which includes both the math and verbal scores separately.

When Dummies Forget Why They Have Handlers