How Dummies Sell Their Boehner

How Dummies Sell Their Boehner

Dummy:  Welcome to my Tea Party.  Dummies wake up!  We dummies are sitting down with a special guest, our Speaker of the House.

John Boehner Dummy:  Thank you.

Dummy:  How’s it hanging, Boner?

John Boehner Dummy:  Boehner.  The American people (hic) were victorious this week.  We denied the president his $2.4 trillion dollar blank check (AAA!) that lets him continue his spending binge (AAA!) through the next election.

Dummy:  That’s golden, boner.

John Boehner Dummy:  Boehner.

Dummy:  But in all fairness, you did meet with the President several times in secret.  (AAA!)

John Boehner Dummy:  That’s true.

Dummy:  That sucks, Boner.

John Boehner Dummy:  Boehner.

Dummy:  And what did you and he do, Boner, behind closed doors? (AAA!)

John Boehner Dummy:  Now, now (hic).  I did engage the President, at his request, more than once.  But these were brief affairs.  I never succumbed, to his eloquent speeches.  I came only a few times, but when it became clear that he was nothing but a sweet talker, I withdrew, and may I add, I withdrew repeatedly.

Dummy:  And why did you keep pulling out, Boner?

John Boehner Dummy:  Boehner.  Because he would not do the right thing for the American people and move away from his big government philosophy (AAA!) and taxing and spending ways (AAA!)  And he was willing to let this country default rather than simply meet our terms and the terms of the American people (hic) to stop overspending and spending and spending. (AAA!)

Dummy:  It certainly got hairy, Boner.

John Boehner Dummy:  Boehner.  Very hairy.  But we prevailed.  I got 98% of what I wanted.  And our next fight is on the horizon. We still need to bring our balanced budget amendment to the floor for a vote.

Dummy:  And why is it important to cut, cup and balance, Boner?

John Boehner Dummy:  Boehner.  We need to cut what’s too big.  We need to cap what’s too prolific.  We need to balance what leans left.

Dummy:  I hate left leaning, Boner.

John Boehner Dummy:  Boehner.  It’s important that the federal government behave like responsible  average Americans do.  Does the average American overspend every year relying on debt to buy things they can’t immediately afford?  No.  Neither should the government.  Does the average American issue debt that investors foreign and domestic seeking low risk premiums want to buy and hold in their portfolios?  No.  Neither should the government.  Does the average American directly employ 14 million civilians, 1 and a half million military personnel, score of contractors, and contribute 30% of annual GDP?  No.  Neither should the government.  We need a government that is weak enough to drown in a bathtub.  That’s how we remain the world’s last superpower. (Yipee!)

Dummy:  That makes perfect sense.  Then we can beat the Chinese, Boner.

John Boehner Dummy:  Boehner.  I took an oath not long ago that’s very dear to me.  I’ll always remember the day that this humble son of a bartender, put his hand on his heart and with tears in his eyes recited those magic words.

I pledge allegiance to the brand of The Special Interest Group Americans For Tax Reform and to Grover Norquist for whom it stands, one conservative, under god, Individual, with support and campaign contributions for all.

Dummy:  You are pure red, white and blue, Boner.

John Boehner Dummy:  Boehner.

ROAM

Michele Bachmann Dummy:  Dummies, this whole interview is very immature.  Don’t you agree, Marcus?

Marcus Bachmann Dummy:  I’m just here to watch Boner.

Michele Bachmann Dummy:  Pray it away.

ROAM

Dummy:  Dummies you heard it here first.  The dummies are in the House.  And we’re full speed ahead in our mission to –

Puppet:  STARVE THE BEAST!!!

Dummy:  Now, now, don’t mind the puppet.  He’s not affiliated with us.

Puppet:  RIGHT!

Dummy:  Clearly he’s been listening to too much NPR again.

Puppet:  RIGHT!

Dummy:  Dummies, support our Boner.  Follow this link today to get your very own bit of Boehner, brought to you by Mock The Dummy.  It’s a limited time offer so do it today.

And just to be clear, the picture on this shirt is actually of a dummy.  It’s not your father’s Boner.

Tex:  VALIDATE THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE

How Dummies Sell Their Boehner

NOTES

  1. We denied the president his $2.4 trillion dollar blank check that lets him continue his spending binge through the next election.

“This bill is far from perfect, but it’s a positive step forward that denies the president the $2.4 trillion blank check that lets him continue his spending binge through the next election,” the Speaker’s office wrote in a press release.

http://thehill.com/homenews/senate/173975-entire-senate-dem-caucus-vows-to-oppose-boehner-debt-plan

  1. . Because he would not do the right thing for the American people and move away from his big government philosophy and taxing and spending ways and he was willing to let this country default rather than simply meet our terms and the terms of the American people to stop overspending and spending and spending.

boehner +”big government philosophy” +”tax and spend”

16,500 results on Google in 0.12 seconds

“The House will stand with the American people.”

http://www.johnboehner.house.gov/News/DocumentSingle.aspx?DocumentID=248740

  1. I got 98% of what I wanted.

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2011/08/01/eveningnews/main20086598.shtml

  1. I took an oath not long ago that’s very dear to me…..

http://thehill.com/homenews/news/150921-gop-leaders-promise-conservatives-to-block-deficit-package-that-raises-taxes

  1. I pledge allegiance to the brand of The Special Interest Group Americans For Tax Reform and to Grover Norquist for whom it stands, one conservative, under god, Individual, with support and campaign contributions for all.

http://www.atr.org/userfiles/Congressional_pledge%281%29.pdf

  1. “I just want to watch Boner.”

“Marcus!  Pray it away!”

http://abcnews.go.com/Blotter/michele-bachmann-exclusive-pray-gay-candidates-clinic/story?id=14048691

  1. Dummies, support our Boner. Follow this link today to get your very own bit of Boehner, brought to you by Mock The Dummy. It’s a limited time offer so do it today.

https://mockthedummy.com/limited-edition-t-shirt/

How Dummies Sell Their Boehner

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