When Titans Talk to Dummies (Part 3 of 3)

by Harvey Golub, Wall Street Journal, 8-22-11.

(Editors note: Mock The Dummy videos take a long time to make, which makes it difficult to respond to the news of the day in a timely manner. With recognition of this problem, and as an experiment, we would like to offer publication of first this script and then an audio only program. This is part three of a three part audio program. Part one can be accessed here: https://mockthedummy.com/2011/08/23/when-titans-talk-to-dummies/ and Part two can be accessed here: https://mockthedummy.com/2011/08/25/when-titans-talk-to-dummies-part-2/ We ask Mock The Dummy fans to take a breath, access their imagination, hear the tell-tale refrain of bells that signal the start of a video, and let your mind lead you…)

DUMMY: Welcome to my Tea Party. We dummies are back with part three of our audio program trilogy. If you’re joining us for the first time without hearing part one or two then all I can say is … Dummies wake up! Would you watch Return of the Jedi before Star Wars? Would you read The Book of Job before reading the Book of Genesis? Would you listen to the audiobook of Glenn Beck’s Arguing with Idiots before listening to The Real America? Go to one and two first.
We aren’t talking with Harvey Golub about his op ed MY RESPONSE TO BUFFET AND OBAMA, which appeared in tabloid king Rupert Murdock’s Wall Street Journal, along with other News Of The World. Instead we’re talking to a dummy.
Dummy, you were telling our listeners why the top marginal tax rate shouldn’t be raised to 39.6% from 35% because it’s unfair that those Americans living around the poverty line don’t pay their fair share in taxes and that’s unfair to mega millionaires like you. Isn’t that right?
GOLUB DUMMY: That’s what I wrote.
DUMMY: I know. And we’re doing our best to let others know too. Please, sir, carry on.
GOLUB DUMMY: “Governments have an obligation to spend our tax money on programs that work.”
DUMMY: Absolutely.
GOLUB DUMMY: “They fail at this fundamental task.”
DUMMY: Absolutely. And what government programs specifically are we talking about?
GOLUB DUMMY: All government programs, dummy. Government can’t do anything right. Everybody
knows that.
DUMMY: Anything more specific?
GOLUB DUMMY: “Do we really need dozens of retraining programs with no measure of performance or
DUMMY: No way.
Do we have those?
GOLUB DUMMY: “Do we really need to spend money on solar panels, windmills and battery-operated
cars when we have ample energy supplies in this country?”
PALIN DUMMY: Drill, baby, drill!
DUMMY: And Frack, baby, Frack!
GOLUB DUMMY: “Do we really need all the regulations that put an estimated $2 trillion burden on our
economy by raising the price of things we buy?”
DUMMY: Minimum wage. Workplace standards. Environmental protection. These things don’t do
anybody any good.
GOLUB DUMMY: “Do we really need subsidies for domestic sugar farmers and ethanol producers?”
DUMMY: And oil production and private equity.
And do we really need all these strippers?
GOLUB DUMMY: What are you talking about?
DUMMY: Oh, I thought we were just making sh** up. (making up sh**)
GOLUB DUMMY: “Why do we require that public projects pay above-market labor costs?”
DUMMY: And why do we keep feeding these unicorns?
GOLUB DUMMY: “Why do we spend billions on trains that no one will ride?”
DUMMY: No one rides trains. That’s so bourgeoisie.
GOLUB DUMMY: “Why do we keep post offices open in places no one lives?”
DUMMY: Why do we have congressional districts in places no one lives?
GOLUB DUMMY: “Why do we subsidize small airports in communities close to larger ones?”
DUMMY: I say we cut Alaska, Nebraska and both Dakotas.
GOLUB DUMMY: “Why do we pay government workers above-market rates and outlandish benefits?”
DUMMY: And what’s with the foot massages and free pedicures?
GOLUB DUMMY: “Do we really need an energy department or an education department at all?”
DUMMY: Every dummy I know says “no.”
PALIN DUMMY: We don’t need no education.
GOLUB DUMMY: “Here’s my message: Before you “ask” for more tax money” – And I put ask in
quotations because I know you’re not going to ask. You’re just going to take, take, take it. Take it all!
TAKE IT ALL! I’ll go on food stamps! My grandchildren will starve! You just take and take and take and
take! I hate you! I hate you! It’s not fair! It’s not fair! IT’S NOT FAIR!!!!!
DUMMY: Dummy? Dummy we’re still on the air. Dummy? Dummy? Dummy, get a grip!
GOLUB DUMMY: Ahem. Before you “ask” for more tax money from me and others, raise the $2.2
trillion you already collect each year more fairly and spend it more wisely. Then you’ll need less of my
money. MY Money. MY MONEY!!!!
DUMMY: Dummies you heard it here first. Our own private interview with a great America hero, a
Titan of industry. Represented by a dummy, sure, but who can tell the difference? That’s all for today.
If you like our work here at Mock The Dummy send us some love. And if you’d like to make a donation
to the Keep Harvey Golub Off Food Stamps Foundation, or KHGOFSF, just visit our website. I don’t know
about you but he sure persuaded me. No onerous return to a burdensome 4.9% on the top 1%. They
can’t afford it.

Mr. Golub, a former chairman and CEO of American Express, currently serves on the executive
committee of the American Enterprise Institute.

When Titans Talk To Dummies (Part 3 of 3)

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