Growing Up Paul Part One

GROWING UP PAUL

Ron Paul Dummy:  Eat your broccoli, Rand.  Or the federal government will get you.

Rand Paul Dummy:  Aaaaaaah!

A MINI SERIES PRESENTED BY

MOCK THE DUMMY

CHAPTER ONE

Ron Paul Dummy:  You want Daddy to tell you a bedtime story?

Rand Paul Dummy:  Okay, but not a scary one this time.

Ron Paul Dummy:  Did I tell you the one about the coven of Rothschild vampires sucking the blood out of the world?
Rand Paul Dummy:  Daddy, please, no more scary ones.

Ron Paul Dummy:  Ok, ok.  I’ll tell you a happy one about the founding of our great country.

Rand Paul Dummy: Okay.

Ron Paul Dummy:  Once upon a time there was a land.  This land was your land, this land was my land, from California to the New York island, once we beat back the red coats.

Our Christian Founding Fathers needed to find a way to keep the land safe from the savages and the wetbacks.  So they prayed and asked the lord what to do.  And behold, the lord said to them that the way to keep the land safe was to Unite the States under a hideous blood-sucking beast called … the federal government.

Rand Paul Dummy:  Aaaaaaah!  Daddy you’re scaring me.

Ron Paul Dummy:  Alright, alright, well it’s okay.  The lord said to them “now you keep that beast in a cage and you keep it small” and the wigged wonders did as the lord intended so it couldn’t get little boys like you.  At first.  And for years We The People lived on our land in freedom and majesty and held dominion over all the creeping things that creepeth on the earth – the fish of the sea, the brids of the heavens, the cattle of the fields and the Negros of the dark continent.

But over the years and the centuries the federal government lay waiting and watching.  And nothing that evil can stay caged forever.  It seduced elite liberals with promises of global domination and it wormed its way into the heart of weak men and feminists.  And once it broke out of that cage it was impossible to put back.

It tore across our land, eating everything in sight.  It took our slaves.  It took our gold.  It took Christmas.  And it took marriage.

It forced us to open our businesses and serve people we didn’t like.  It forced us to get a number to buy and sell.  It taxed us.   It insured us.  It enslaved us.  And it stuck its big nose into every facet of our lives.

And now it’s hiding under the bed of every little boy and girl just eating their labor and their wealth and telling ‘em what to do and who they can and can’t hate.  It’s here now in this very room, under your bed, nipping at your ankles, jumping out of the closet and hiding in every shadow that shadoweths and it won’t leave, it won’t stop, until it owns every little piece of your life.

Good night, son.   Sleep tight.  Don’t let the federal government bite.

Rand Paul Dummy:  Aaaaaaah!

Growing Up Paul Part One

When Dummies Pray for a Savior

WHEN DUMMIES PRAY FOR A SAVIOR

EPISODE 54  SCRIPT with Cut Material Included 

DUMMY:  Welcome to our Tea Party.

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  Our Texas Tea Party.

TEA PARTY DUMMY:  I love Texas Tea!

DUMMY:  We dummies have a treat for you.  We scored an interview with the newest dummy vowing to take our country back.

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  To when if you prayed for rain it actually worked. 

DUMMY:  Hello dummy.

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  Howdy.  How’s Moma and them?

DUMMY:  Good.  I like your hat.

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  Well, I like your little red bowtie. 

DUMMY:  I like your boots.

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  I like your funny little voice. 

DUMMY:  Come to think of it, dummy, I like everything about you.

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  Well, I’ll come on your program any time I can. 

DUMMY:  Thanks dummy.  I’ll come to Texas anytime I can.  You already made me an honorary citizen. (both laugh)  So, dummy, the elites aren’t thrilled that you’re running for the presidency.  What do you say to those Texas elites that say “you’re like George Bush but without the brains”?

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  I’m who I am.  Our country’s in jeopardy.

TEA PARTY DUMMIES:  Aaaaaaah!

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  People come up to me and they’re scared.  They know that our country is standing at the pricipire-

DUMMY:  The what?

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  The precipire.

DUMMY:  What’s a precipire?

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  You know, dummy, it’s that French word fer cliff.

DUMMY:  You mean “precipice”?

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  Well, that may be how you frogs up in New England say it, but in Texas it’s precipire.

DUMMY:  Okay.

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  Now listen up dummy or I’ll give you a swift kick in yer derieice.  We’re on the precipire of possibly defaulting… 

TEA PARTY DUMMIES:  Aaaaaaah!

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  … they’re ready for some leadership … we need someone with the vision that will get America back working and … you cannot argue that we haven’t created in the last decade the job creation mecca …. We’ve been the job creation machine.

DUMMY:  That’s right.  In the last decade, under your leadership, employment growth in the Rio Grande Valley was 42%.

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  We’re walkin’ in tall cotton.

DUMMY:  And what do you say to those liberals who point out that per capita income in the Valley is the lowest in the nation, with hourly wages at $8.14 in the median?

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  I say even in if you’re standing in the median, you can still get hit by a pick-up truck if you don’t cross the damn street.  Like the chicken.

DUMMY:  What does that mean?

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  It means, dummy, that “Just because we pass a free trade agreement with a country doesn’t mean that we need to put ourselves at a competitive disadvantage to make their diplomatic people smile at us.”

DUMMY:  What does that mean?

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  It means, dummy, that “There’s gonna be a hundred different questions asked me a thousand different ways, but at the end of the day, how do you get Americans back working, and I will you, it’s by lowering the taxation…

TEA PARTY DUMMIES:  Yippee!

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  … lowering the regulation…

TEA PARTY DUMMIES:  Yippee!

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  … lowering the litigation cost that we got on small business men and women in this country.

TEA PARTY DUMMIES:  Yippee! 

DUMMY:  And how will that improve demand?

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  What?  

DUMMY:  Those economists who say that growth is tepid because of a lack of demand.

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard of.  What’d you get a F in Principles of Economics?  ‘Cause I got a D. 

DUMMY:  D as dummy?

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  D as in double dog dummy, Dummy.

DUMMY:  So you don’t think we’re faced with a demand problem?

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  It’s a theory that’s out there, it’s got some gaps in it.  Like evolution.  And climate change.

DUMMY:  And gravity.

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  And gravity.  We believe in Texas that you teach your children theories, like evolution, and facts, like God created man in his own image, and let them decide.

DUMMY:  What do you say to the secretary of education who says “Texas may have the lowest high school graduation rate in the country?”

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  “He’s just flat out wrong on the face of it and factually.”  Texas ranks 43rd out of 50.  That means, dummy, that seven states are worse.  Eight if you count Washington DC, seedy place that it is.  We gotta bunch of bright kids in Texas.  We’re doing what we can to make them competitive so they can take back dominion of the world from Satan.

TEA PARTY DUMMIES:  Yippee! 

DUMMY:  Okay.  We’re out of time.  But before you go … Will you be our next President?

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  Well, I’ll tell you what.  Obama is all hat and no cattle.  An empty bucket makes the most racket.  And this aint my first trip to the rodeo.

DUMMY:  Okay.

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  Now if you’ll excuse me, dummy.  I gotta go pray again for rain. 

DUMMY:  How’s that working?

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  Oh, it’ll work, dummy.  Just you wait.  When all is said and done we’re gonna have us a real turd floater.

TEX:  VALIDATE THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  Validate it? Hell.  He aint even released it yet.  I haven’t seen it, have you?

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  Just give us a little bit of rain.  Please?  I’ll be your best friend.

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  Y’all come back now, y’hear?

 

MATERIAL THAT DIDN’T MAKE THE CUT:

1.

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  … “For instance, we had a next generation fighter aircraft that was on the books to be developed … “

DUMMY:  Lockheed Martin’s F-22 Raptor

RICK PERRY DUMMY: “… and uh the then secretary of defense …” 

DUMMY:  Robert Gates

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  “… through I suppose direction of this president Obama said uh we’re gonna cut back and that’s going to be one of the cutbacks and the reason that they gave for making that reduction in the next generation fighter …”

DUMMY:  The F-22

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  “… was the Chinese are not going to have a next generation fighter ready until 2025.”  

DUMMY:  Didn’t they actually decide that the F-22 was obsolete and it would be more efficient to focus on the similar and more affordable F-35?  Isn’t that actually an example of government working to cut spending and be more efficient?

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  Huh? Uh, uh, no, uh, yer getting in the way of my talk here, dummy, uh.  Gosh dang Laura Ingram didn’t ask fer specifics when I said this on her show.  To go one with my train of thought, “That’s the type of bad intelligence or just bad bad diplomacy that we cannot afford in this country, we gotta have secretary cabinet level people that are principled, that are disciplined, and that frankly know these hot spots around the world very well and are willing to stand up, China needs to hear from us, “listen, we will do trade with you, we will be a partner in trade with you, but you cannot steal our intellectual property.”

2.

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  “We are seeing almost weekly, or even daily, scientists are coming forward and questioning the original idea that man-made global warming is what is causing the climate to change.”

DUMMY:  Who knew the American Association of Petroleum Geologists had so many scientists.

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  Well, I ‘ll tell you what.  Those scientists better stay out of Texas.  I don’t know what y’all would do to them, but we’d treat ‘em pretty ugly down in Texas.  Maybe not as ugly as an economist, but pretty damn ugly.

DUMMY:  No, no.  The American Association of Petroleum Geologists contains the 2% of the world’s climate scientists who aren’t convinced that man’s use of petroleum influences the climate.

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  Oh. Well, they’re alright then.

3.

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  “I think Obamacare, which was modeled after the Massachusetts plan is an absolute debacle.  I’m a big believer that the answer to our health care issues we have in this country can be found in the States…” 

DUMMY:  But not in Texas, right?  Since you rank dead last of all the States for citizens with health insurance.

RICK PERRY DUMMY:  “I promise you this, Laura, there are some incredibly bright Republican governors, these are really bright capable governors and they will come up with ways to deliver ways to innovative health care to their states and when they do it won’t bother me a bit to go over there and snitch it from ‘em.”

DUMMY:  Isn’t that precisely what the Patient Protection And Affordable Care Act – I mean, Obamacare –

TEA PARTY DUMMIES:  Aaaaaaah!

DUMMY: … Isn’t that precisely what it encourages?

WHEN DUMMIES PRAY FOR A SAVIOR

NOTES

  1. We scored an interview with the newest dummy vowing to take our country back.

 

Many of the quotes in this episode come from Rick Perry’s first national interview on the Laura Ingram Show, August 25, 2011.

http://www.lauraingraham.com/b/AUDIO:-Gov.-Rick-Perry-gives-first-national-radio-interview-as-presidential-candidate/241509387705714730.html

 

  1. To when if you prayed for rain it actually worked.

 

Rick Perry Asks Texans To Pray For Rain, Kate Sheppard, MotherJones, April 21, 2011

http://motherjones.com/mojo/2011/04/rick-perry-asks-texans-pray-rain

 

  1. “I’ll come on your program anytime I can.”

“I’ll come to Texas anytime I can.  You already made me an honorary citizen”

 

Banter near the end of the program

http://www.lauraingraham.com/b/AUDIO:-Gov.-Rick-Perry-gives-first-national-radio-interview-as-presidential-candidate/241509387705714730.html

 

  1. “The elites aren’t thrilled that you’re running for the presidency.”

http://www.lauraingraham.com/b/AUDIO:-Gov.-Rick-Perry-gives-first-national-radio-interview-as-presidential-candidate/241509387705714730.html

 

  1. What do you say to those Texas elites that say “you’re like George Bush, but without the brains”

 

Is Rick Perry Dumb?, Jonathan Martin, Politico, August 29, 2011

http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0811/62214.html

 

  1. “I’m who I am. Our country’s in jeopardy.  People come up to me and they’re scared.  They know that our country is standing at the pricipire of possibly defaulting … they’re ready for some leadership … we need someone with the vision that will get America back working and … you cannot argue that we haven’t created in the last decade the job creation mecca …. We’ve been the job creation machine.”

 

http://www.lauraingraham.com/b/AUDIO:-Gov.-Rick-Perry-gives-first-national-radio-interview-as-presidential-candidate/241509387705714730.html

 

  1. In the last decade, under your leadership, employment growth in the Rio Grande Valley was 42%.

 

Yes, We Need Jobs.  But What Kind?, Paul Osterman, New York Times, September 5, 2011

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/06/opinion/yes-we-need-jobs-but-what-kind.html

 

  1. And what do you say to those liberals who point out that per capita income in the Valley is the lowest in the nation, with hourly wages at $8.14 in the median?

 

Yes, We Need Jobs.  But What Kind?, Paul Osterman, New York Times, September 5, 2011

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/06/opinion/yes-we-need-jobs-but-what-kind.html

 

  1. “Just because we pass a free trade agreement with a country doesn’t mean that we need to put ourselves at a competitive disadvantage to make their diplomatic people smile at us.”

 

Rick Perry giving vague responses about China prompting even Laura Ingram to ask “What does that mean?”

http://www.lauraingraham.com/b/AUDIO:-Gov.-Rick-Perry-gives-first-national-radio-interview-as-presidential-candidate/241509387705714730.html

 

  1. “There’s gonna be a hundred different questions asked me a thousand different ways, but at the end of the day, how do you get Americans back working, and I will you, it’s by lowering the taxation, lowering the regulation, lowering the litigation cost that we got on small business men and women in this country.”

 

Rick Perry voicing his understanding of our failed experiment with supply side economics

http://www.lauraingraham.com/b/AUDIO:-Gov.-Rick-Perry-gives-first-national-radio-interview-as-presidential-candidate/241509387705714730.html

 

  1. What’d you get a F in Principles of Economics? ‘Cause I got a D.”

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/08/05/rick-perry-college-transcript_n_919357.html

 

  1. “It’s a theory that’s out there, it’s got some gaps in it. Like evolution.  And climate change.”

 

Rick Perry speaking of evolution: “It’s a theory that’s out there,” Perry told the child. “It’s got some gaps in it. In Texas we teach both Creationism and evolution.”

 

Perry heckled as campaign shifts into new phase

 

  1. We believe in Texas that you teach your children theories, like evolution, and facts, like God created man in his own image, and let them decide.

 

Texas Conservative Win Vote On Textbook Standards, New York Times, March 12, 2010

www.nytimes.com/2010/03/13/education/13texas.html

 

  1. What do you say to the secretary of education who says “Texas may have the lowest high school graduation rate in the country?”

“He’s just flat out wrong on the face of it and factually.”

 

http://www.lauraingraham.com/b/AUDIO:-Gov.-Rick-Perry-gives-first-national-radio-interview-as-presidential-candidate/241509387705714730.html

 

  1. Texas ranks 43rd out of 50. That means, dummy, that seven states are worse.

 

http://www.commonwealthfund.org/Maps-and-Data/State-Data-Center/State-Scorecard/DataByState/State.aspx?state=TX

Leaving Children Behind, Paul Krugman, February 27, 2011

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/28/opinion/28krugman.html

 

  1. Eight if you count Washington, DC. Seedy place that it is.

 

“Criticizing me because I speak plainly, I call it like I see it, look I’m not an establishment figure, never have been, I don’t wanna be, I dislike Washington, I think it’s a seedy place…”

http://www.lauraingraham.com/b/AUDIO:-Gov.-Rick-Perry-gives-first-national-radio-interview-as-presidential-candidate/241509387705714730.html

 

 

  1. We gotta bunch of bright kids in Texas. We’re doing what we can to make them competitive so they can take back dominion of the world from Satan.

 

Meet the Christian Dominionist ‘Prayer Warriors’ Who Have Chosen Rick Perry as Their Vehicle to Power, Rachel Tabachnick, Alternet, August 15, 2011

http://www.alternet.org/teaparty/152034/meet_the_christian_dominionist_%27prayer_warriors%27_who_have_chosen_rick_perry_as_their_vehicle_to_power/

 

When Dummies Pray for a Savior

The 24/7 News Cycle for Dummies

 

THE 24/7 NEWS CYCLE FOR DUMMIES

Dummy:  The bickering in Washington continues with the President requesting Wednesday for a special session and the Speaker demanding Thursday and the President conceding to the Republicans  – again, and – Dummies, wake up!  If someone asks for a meeting on one day and someone else, because of a conflict, suggests another day do we really need to say okay?  Isn’t this another example of all the bickering and politics in the beltway?  We want to hear from you, the American people, BUT FIRST, let’s go to one of our long time contributors to tell us what you, the American people, want.

Here to tell us what the American people want is a dummy as Erick Erickson who is the editor and chief of the BLOG Redstate dot com in Macon, Georgia.  Rhymes with bacon.  Hello dummy.

Erick Erickson Dummy:  Mmmm.   Bacon.

Dummy:  Dummy, what do the American people want?

Erick Erickson Dummy:  Well I’ll tell you what the American people don’t want – they don’t want any  more speeches (AAA!), and they don’t want politicians to keep playing games.  (AAA!)

Dummy:  But what do the American people want?

Erick Erickson Dummy:   They want jobs not speeches.  The American people want to stop all the wasteful, reckless spending (AAA!), and to stop all of the job-killing regulation (AAA!), and, you know, to get the government out of their lives. (YIPPEE!)

Dummy:  What else do the American people want?

Erick Erickson Dummy:   The American people also want … a cheeseburger.  Make that two cheeseburgers.  And some fries.  Lots of fries.  With cheese on ‘em.  American cheese.  Make that chili cheese fries from Nu-Way Weiner Café.  Those are great.  And some onion rings.  That’s what the American people want.

Dummy:  Anything else?

Erick Erickson Dummy:   Ice cream.  The American people want some ice cream.  And the American people really like the Dairy Queen on Log Cabin Drive.  They like this one better than the one on Eisenhower Parkway.  Cuz Ike was a traitor.  And doughnuts … from Krispy Kreme.  The American people really like the Krispy Kreme on Pio Nono, specially when they’re hot, fresh out of the oven, when that little light’s on.  And don’t forget the ice cream.  But don’t go to Buster’s Ice Cream.  It’s too … it’s … it’s it’s own thing.  Too Blue state if you know what I mean.  American people like Dairy Queen.

Dummy:  The Dummy from Red State dot com.  We’re keeping ‘em honest – and keeping you watching.  Let’s go to commercials, folks, but be sure to stay with us.  Next we’ll talk about … something else.

THE 24/7 NEWS CYCLE FOR DUMMIES

NOTES

  1. The bickering in Washington continues with the President requesting Wednesday for a special session and the Speaker demanding Thursday and the President conceding to the Republicans .

 

http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/politics/2011/09/house-speaker-john-boehner-rejects-president-obamas-request-for-joint-session-next-wednesday-suggests-thursday-instead/

 

  1. Well I’ll tell you what the American people don’t want – they don’t want any more speeches, and they don’t want politicians to keep playing games.   They want jobs not speeches.

http://www.redstate.com/erick/2011/09/01/we-dont-need-a-speech-we-need-jobs/

  1. The American people want to stop all the wasteful, reckless spending, and to stop all of the job-killing regulation, and, you know, to get the government out of their lives.

http:// EVERYWHERE!

  1. Nu-Way Weiner Café, Dairy Queen on Log Cabin Drive, Dairy Queen on Eisenhower Parkway, Kirspy Kreme on Pio Nono, Buster’s Ice Cream – all places in Macon, GA.

The 24/7 News Cycle for Dummies