GROWING UP PAUL
Ron Paul Dummy: Eat your broccoli, Rand. Or the federal government will get you.
Rand Paul Dummy: Aaaaaaah!
A MINI SERIES PRESENTED BY
MOCK THE DUMMY
Ron Paul Dummy: You want Daddy to tell you a bedtime story?
Rand Paul Dummy: Okay, but not a scary one this time.
Ron Paul Dummy: Did I tell you the one about the coven of Rothschild vampires sucking the blood out of the world?
Rand Paul Dummy: Daddy, please, no more scary ones.
Ron Paul Dummy: Ok, ok. I’ll tell you a happy one about the founding of our great country.
Rand Paul Dummy: Okay.
Ron Paul Dummy: Once upon a time there was a land. This land was your land, this land was my land, from California to the New York island, once we beat back the red coats.
Our Christian Founding Fathers needed to find a way to keep the land safe from the savages and the wetbacks. So they prayed and asked the lord what to do. And behold, the lord said to them that the way to keep the land safe was to Unite the States under a hideous blood-sucking beast called … the federal government.
Rand Paul Dummy: Aaaaaaah! Daddy you’re scaring me.
Ron Paul Dummy: Alright, alright, well it’s okay. The lord said to them “now you keep that beast in a cage and you keep it small” and the wigged wonders did as the lord intended so it couldn’t get little boys like you. At first. And for years We The People lived on our land in freedom and majesty and held dominion over all the creeping things that creepeth on the earth – the fish of the sea, the brids of the heavens, the cattle of the fields and the Negros of the dark continent.
But over the years and the centuries the federal government lay waiting and watching. And nothing that evil can stay caged forever. It seduced elite liberals with promises of global domination and it wormed its way into the heart of weak men and feminists. And once it broke out of that cage it was impossible to put back.
It tore across our land, eating everything in sight. It took our slaves. It took our gold. It took Christmas. And it took marriage.
It forced us to open our businesses and serve people we didn’t like. It forced us to get a number to buy and sell. It taxed us. It insured us. It enslaved us. And it stuck its big nose into every facet of our lives.
And now it’s hiding under the bed of every little boy and girl just eating their labor and their wealth and telling ‘em what to do and who they can and can’t hate. It’s here now in this very room, under your bed, nipping at your ankles, jumping out of the closet and hiding in every shadow that shadoweths and it won’t leave, it won’t stop, until it owns every little piece of your life.
Good night, son. Sleep tight. Don’t let the federal government bite.
Rand Paul Dummy: Aaaaaaah!