Dummy 1: Welcome to my Tea Party.
It’s our Grand Old Party …
Dummies 1 & 2: … After Party!
Dummy 1: Dummies wake up!
For eight long years we dummies have endured. For eight scary years we dummies have prayed. For eight straight years (not so straight) we dummies have suffered being lead from behind. But it is finally coming to an end. No more elitist in chief. No more divider in chief. No more dictator in chief. (emphasis Dic) It is time for our second coming. This is the year –
(Wall splits open. White light with TRUMP in silhouette).
Donald Trump Dummy: We’re going to Make America Great Again.
Dummy 2: Hey, we built that.
Donald Trump Dummy: What you built, it was a disaster.
Dummy 1: Well, look who crashed the party. It’s Donald Trump Dummy, Dummy.
Dummy 2: And our next nominee, Dummy. (You can’t always get what you want)
Donald Trump Dummy: You’re a disgrace. You Dummies are a disaster and a disgrace.
(Dummies look at each other)
Dummy 1: Welcome to our Tea Party.
Donald Trump Dummy: Your party? I’m bringing millions and millions of puppets to this party. And I’m not being treated the right way. I’m not being treated properly.
Dummy 2: Uh, Thanks for joining our party, dummy.
Donald Trump Dummy: Dummy, I’m building a movement right now inside. A big beautiful movement. My movement is so big, it’s so yuge, it’s going to explode all over this party.
Dummy 2: (to Dummy 1) We’re going to need some TP.
Donald Trump Dummy: I got that. (TP Logo, TP rolls drop over the cups) Welcome to my Tea PEE Party.
Dummy 1: I’m not sure this is an improvement.
Donald Trump Dummy: Dummies wake the f** up! Cue the scary music. It is not morning in America. There’s no shining city on a hill. Our convention occurs at a moment of crises for our nation. (AAA!) There is violence in our streets (AAA!) and chaos in our communities. (AAA!) Any politician who does not grasp this danger is not fit to lead the country. (AAA!)
Dummy 1: That sounds pretty scary, Dummy.
Donald Trump Dummy: It’s very, very scary, Dummy. Bulieve me. Very. Very. I have the best words.
Dummy 1: What do you propose to do, Dummy?
Donald Trump Dummy: I and I alone will restore law and order. I alone will end catch and release at the border. I alone will end sanctuary cities. I am the law and order candidate (Dum Dum). And my presidency is going to be Lawful, awful, awful, awful.
Jester Dummy: I hate falafals!
Donald Trump Dummy: Cue scarier music. Tremendous crime is coming across the border. When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. So we are building a wall. A big beautiful wall.
Dummies: Build the Wall! Build the wall! Build the wall!
Donald Trump Dummy: And the Mexicans are going to pay for it.
Dummy 1: And how will you get the Mexicans to pay for it?
Donald Trump Dummy: Mexico receives billions and billions of wire transfers from Immigrants living in this country every year. If they don’t pay we cut that off.
Dummy 1 & 2: Okay.
Donald Trump Dummy: Every bank initiated transfer to Mexico will come through the TRUMP clearing house to be reviewed by a member of my family. For which we will deduct a small fee.
Dummy 1: That doesn’t sound too shifty. So we’ll take the money from all the Mexican immigrants?
Donald Trump Dummy: From the legal ones. The illegals have to go.
Donald Trump Dummy: Look, we’re either going to have a country or we’re not going to have a country. So people who came here illegally, they’re going to go.
Dummy 1: All eleven million of them?
Donald Trump Dummy: I’m talking about the brown ones, not the Europeans. About 6 million, most of which are rapists. We’re going to round them up. We’re going to find them, we’ll go door to door, we’ll drag them out, we’ll put them in trucks, we’ll put a mark on them, and they’re going to go, and then come back and come back legally. (Taco Bowl) I love Hispanics! Tweet that.
Dummy 2: Won’t that cut off the funding for the wall?
Donald Trump Dummy: No. Because I say it won’t.
Dummy 2: Okay.
Donald Trump Dummy: We’re going to make America White Again.
Dummy 2: Dummy, don’t you mean “great”?
Donald Trump Dummy: Great, White. What’s the difference? We’re taking our country back.
Jester Dummy: To before Suffrage
Donald Trump Dummy: Look at this tweet from someone. They love me. (David Duke Tweet)
Dummy 1: They sure do.
Donald Trump Dummy: And another thing. No more Muslims.
Donald Trump Dummy: Cue Scarier music. I’m calling for a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States until our country’s representatives can figure out what is going on. (Yippee!) Something is going on. (AAA!) We’re led by a man that either is not tough, not smart, or he’s got something else in mind. He can’t even mention the words ‘radical Islamic terrorism. (AAA!) There’s something going on — it’s inconceivable. There’s something going on. We need to be very, very afraid. (AAA!)
We’re going to Make America Christian Again!
Dummy 1: Dummy, can you be a little less overt? Be a little more dog-whistly?
Donald Trump Dummy: You want political correctness? We cannot afford to be so politically correct anymore.
Dummy 2: But Dummy, we don’t want to seem racist.
Dummy 1: Yeah. We just want to be number one with the racists. (Yippee!)
Donald Trump Dummy: I am not a racist. I am the least racist person that you’ve ever interviewed. Look at my African American over there.
Dummy 2: Where?
Donald Trump Dummy: Over there. Way over there. What’s up, bro? Yo. (Dummys look at each other. One shakes head) The blacks love me. They love me because I’m very bling. The blacks love bling. / (plate of fried chicken and watermelon) I love The Blacks! Tweet that. On second thought, Don’t.
Dummy 2: Dummy, how does this represents our countries values?
Donald Trump Dummy: Dummy, I don’t like your question. You are being very unfair to me. You are not very good and very unprofessional.
Get him out of here. We used to be able to take care of dummies like that. I’d like to punch him in the face. Have him carried out on a stretcher.
Dummy 2: But, but, we built this. (Puppets carry him out)
Dummy 1: Dummy, he’s a dummy too.
Donald Trump Dummy: He had to go. Get me another dummy.
(Puppet-master Putin drops in a dummy)
Donald Trump Dummy: We are going to get along, dummy. If we don’t get along, believe me, it will not be good for you.
Girl Dummy: We are going to get along, dummy.
Donald Trump Dummy: I don’t want any blood coming out of your eyes, or out of your wherever. Got it?
Girl Dummy: Got it.
Donald Trump Dummy: We all get along here. Anyone who endorses violence, hatred or oppression is not welcome in our country and never will be.
Dummy 1: That’s why we’ll ban all the Muslims?
Donald Trump Dummy: That’s just a suggestion. Look at this great logo.
Girl Dummy: It’s very … phallic.
Donald Trump Dummy: You like that, do you?
Dummy 1: Now it’s more homoerotic.
Donald Trump Dummy: Damnit. Take it down.
We don’t win anymore. We lose to China. We lose to Mexico. We lose to everybody. The Chinese, they say “Your leaders are stupid. They’re stupid people.” Well no more. And I’ve made a lot of money off the Chinese. When they buy my buildings it’s good for me. But no more. We’re telling China no more Chinese. (Chinese food) I love The Chinese! Tweet that. What is that?
Dummy Babe 1: Egg Foo Yun.
Donald Trump Dummy: Ew. Get it out of here. Where’s Chris? (Chris Christie Dummy pops up) Get me a slice of pizza. Get a whole pie for yourself.
Our country is going to start building and making things again. We’re getting more bricklayers and steelworkers and coal miners. And I’m sorry folks, minimum wage has to stay where it is. But we’re going to back to work.
We’re going to make America Rich Again!
Donald Trump Dummy: I know how to do it. I took advantage of the laws as a business man. And I built an incredible company.
Dummy 1: And amassed four bankruptcies.
Donald Trump Dummy: I never went personally bankrupt. I took advantage of the laws as a business man. I transferred my personal debt to my public companies. I negotiated better deals from my contractors and suppliers by making them an offer they couldn’t refuse. And I stuck it all to my investors. Because the game is rigged. And I know how to play it. Bulieve me. We’re going to start saying Merry Christmas again!
Dummies: Merry Christmas!
Dummy 1: Your honesty is overwhelming.
Donald Trump Dummy: I am the most honest and humble man you will ever meet. That’s why I give so much money to charity. And why I give it all anonymously. Because I don’t like to put my name out there.
(Meanwhile puppet is hoisting a giant TRUMP sign above the stage)
Girl Dummy: That was a lesson at TRUMP UNIVERSITY. (drinks some TRUMP water)
Donald Trump Dummy: I used to read stories about people who were down and out and I would invite them to TRUMP Tower, give them some TRUMP WATER, a coupon for TRUMP STEAK, and help them find a job.
Dummy 1: Great. Let’s bring one of those people on the show.
Donald Trump Dummy: Uhhh … Bengazi! Look at this tweet. Hillary Clinton is the Most Corrupt Candidate Ever! She is crooked. We don’t need crooked.
We’re going to make America straight again!
Donald Trump Dummy: We’re going to lock her up.
Dummies: Lock Her Up! Lock Her Up!
Donald Trump Dummy: Crooked Hillary with her crooked eyes, and her crooked ears, and her crooked, crooked … boobs.
Dummy 1: Dummy.
Donald Trump Dummy: What? Her boobs are crooked.
Dummy 1: Dummy.
Donald Trump Dummy: You know who has great boobs? Ivanka, my daughter.
Dummy 1: Dummy please.
Donald Trump Dummy: If she wasn’t my daughter I think I would be squeezing them.
Dummy 1: Can we do something?
Donald Trump Dummy: What? Have you seen ‘em? I have.
Dummy 1: We’ll go to commercial break. And now a message from the sponsors of our convention.
Dummy 1: Welcome back. We’re almost out of time. Is there anything else you would like to remind our viewers?
Donald Trump Dummy: Remember, I am self-funding my campaign because I am very very rich and I cannot be bought.
Girl Dummy: That’s right.
Donald Trump Dummy: But I need your donations. Please send them to TRUMP TOWER care of Trump Dummy so I can use them to pay my salary for running and pay back my businesses that have spent so much money to Make America Gray Again.
Dummy 1: We must stop crooked boobed Hillary. And you know what they say. It ain’t over until the fat lady sings.
Donald Trump Dummy: Hey Chris, you’re a lady, aren’t you? Start singing (laughs) I’m just kidding, Chris. Now go lick that doorknob.
Chris Christie Dummy: What doorknob?
Sarah Palin Dummy: Hello.
Donald Trump Dummy: That one.
Sarah Palin Dummy: But I’m a, uh, uh, Trumpeter. Remember?
Donald Trump Dummy: You’re a loser. And a 6. Maybe a 7 when you were younger. But it would be a pretty picture to see you on your knees.
Sarah Palin Dummy: You betcha. (drops to knees)
Donald Trump Dummy: Cue the scariest music yet! Dummies, we are in trouble. Oh, we got trouble my friends. But I can lead us back. We’re going to get the Mexicans. We’re going to stop the Muslims. We’re going to beat the Chinese. We’re going to –
Puppet: Make America Hate Again!
Dummy 1: Now, now. Don’t mind the puppet. He can’t read and doesn’t know the slogan.
Donald Trump Dummy: What Puppet? I don’t see any puppet.
Dummy 1: Now, now, puppet. Remember who has been feeding you all these years.
Puppets: RIGHT! RIGHT! RIGHT! (puppets attack the dummy)
Dummy 1 & 2: Puppets! Puppets! Go home puppets!
Donald Trump Dummy: PUPPETS WAKE UP! These puppets are very passionate. They love this country. And there’s something beautiful about that. It’s a beautiful thing, what’s happening now in this party. This is a beautiful, beautiful thing.
WELCOME TO MY TRUMP PARTY!
Release the birth certificate / Hey, I don’t talk about that anymore. You’re fired.